Integration

Over and over again, known meets unknown in now’s infinite possibility. This constant merging of past and future is especially salient today, having finished the last of three 4-day workshops comprising SAS (a 6-month circling training led by Circling Europe). I have a familiar high, characteristic of multi-day awareness workshops, having been continually kept at my edge and shown enticing options for greater freedom. Perceptiveness: sharp. Confidence: high. I feel supple engaging with whatever comes my way, effortless in my expression. In relation, I ask, bask, cut, and dive, rediscovering bliss in every direction. I feel powerful, opening and being opened by others.
 
Yet there’s a niggle; too easily I might return to how I was before, and lose all momentum. It feels akin to sliding a cake into the oven and thinking my work is done. I want something more than a memorable story about feeling good. I’ve experienced a similar high after each of the workshops. First weekend: this feeling will last forever! Second weekend: how do I make this feeling last forever?! Third weekend: spellbound, teetering on the edge of integration, ushering what I have learned into each moment of newness. Now is the only opportunity. If I wait, all will be lost, and I’ll have to start again from scratch. If I don’t take action to change the habitual structure of my daily life, it will erode this newfound freedom.
 
The inquiry becomes: how do I craft new patterns that keep me alive and aware? There are community-level supports that these workshops provide; dishing out and receiving a high level of challenge, the communal effort in illuminating inter/personal dynamics, the demand (co-created) for each to engage fully with themselves… Without this constant community, how can I create an environment that fulfills a similar purpose? To work I go, integrating, integrating, integrating.

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